Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
