The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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