What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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