Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
