My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
In America we eat man semen.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
