he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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