i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
