I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
