were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
