Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
