This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
