Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
