i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
