i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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