I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
