apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
