I just threw up on my dentist
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
