Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There's always time for handjobs
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
