I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize