he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
