When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
