woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
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i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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