I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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