cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
