Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
