when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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