just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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