last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
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He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
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I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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