i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
