I cockslap morals
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
