Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
