I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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