I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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