dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
