I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize