the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
