am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
