remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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