My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
