ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
