I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
