I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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