I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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