I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
