Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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