the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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