I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
