they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
