just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
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I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
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I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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