Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
