God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
we're so committed to being not committed
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
