I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She even gives head with a lisp.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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