hell yes lets make some ravioli
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
