so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
