Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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