He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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