Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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