I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
